May Mon - Aernidius

The year the world might end

2012-01-06T00:27:00.005+08:00

Has begun.

Or says the believers of the Mayan calender.

I realized I didn't do much of a new year resolution post last year.
I remember saying something like
"Happy holidays you bastards.... something something I'm busy scratching my armpits."

I think it's probably because I was complacent about 2010, it was one of the better years of my teenage (wait, can I still call it 'teenage'?) life.
I came out of a horrible emotional ordeal, I met someone that made me feel like 'the one' does exist, I graduated from Polytechnic, I gained weight and lost more, I went on my first overseas trips.
It's easy to feel back then, that everything would fall in place, I felt full support from my love and my friends, and I've always been one to meet matters head-on, there were some ups and downs but I felt like there was nothing I couldn't work out.

2011 was like an advanced rollercoaster.
I don't know what happened to my relationship, repeated events broke my spirit and strength, I tried some temporary jobs and some treated me like shit, and I got a new job with lovely workmates, I almost lost my will to love, and I got it back, I spent most of the time figuring myself out and what I wanted to do, I entered university and took a course completely on a different path from my diploma, I plunged myself into self-doubt and left lonely half the time, I laughed a lot but cried a lot too, and I lost myself and my willpower to fight for what I want or what I believed.

My resolve, is that, in 2012.
I want to be the way I was in 2010, I want to be strong again, physically mentally and emotionally.
I want to not be as dependent on alcohol and nicotine to get me by anymore.
I want to continue fighting for the things and the people I love,
And fight for the right to be treated the way I deserve to be,
And I want to not ever feel like giving up until I know I've tried everything I can.
I want to be able to wear my heart and my thoughts on my sleeve.
And no matter what path the wind blows, I want to be able to stand up and walk on.
I want to regain my belief in the goodness of people, a higher evolution of love.
I want to get through the stress of school life, I want to do well, I want to try harder to solve my money and time management problems.
I want to be less dependent on the people I care about so that they can depend on me instead.
I want to worry less about the future and live for the moment.

Actually, it's not 'I want', but 'I will'.

So that in 12 months time when the world does end, I will have no regrets.

Self Reflection

2011-12-01T01:18:00.004+08:00

I always blamed you for your short temper and your habit of meaningless lying. I always told you how you take me for granted, and how you don't make me feel appreciated. I always prided myself as the 'bigger' person, the one that sorts everything out for us, and the one that loves you more, the one that really try to make things work. I always felt like you always seem so angry and unconcerned when it comes to me. I always liked to think I grew and evolved from every past relationship and experience and am giving you everything I have, the best I am and the best I can. But sometimes I start to think I might be the worst kind of lover. The worst kind of angry person. The kind that seems to forgive so easily, and keep her temper in check, I didn't like how you always ignore me whenever we face a possible argument, so I always say sorry... But I'm the worst kind. I've grown so distrusting, I question every detail in my head sometimes. I don't let myself feel comfortable like before. I smile and sometimes I don't mean it. I tremble when I'm afraid. I'm afraid of fighting, or facing cold wars. I seem so passive. But I'm the worst kind. I just keep everything in. And I'm vengeful. I'm so very vengeful. I always said how much the things you do hurt me. But I'm always thinking of hurting you too. I'm a hypocrite. I want to say you made me become this way, but it's not just you, it's the way I am too. No matter how much I try to justify myself to myself. I know I'm a bad person too.
I wish everything could just fade to white. A white clean sheet. Without any scratches left behind. And we could just be completely honest. And put everything from bits to end out on the table. And from scratch, learn to trust again. Because I wish I'd stop doubting. I wish I'd stop feeling vengeful. I wish I could mean it whenever I told you I forgive you and that I will trust you again. But I sometimes feel like that could never truly be possible. Is there room for love with so much unspoken discord. I wish I could be honest with you, I wish you wouldn't get angry with my honesty, I wish I wouldn't secretly build up anger. How did it get so difficult? Am I too damaged to say I believe and to mean it ever again?

Shimmy Shimmy Shimmy

2011-11-07T18:05:00.004+08:00

Til the break of dawn...... Yeah.

Substantial update time, finally. Woohoo.
I'm just squeezing a short post in, while waiting for Howen to peel himself off the computer so that we can go and grab dinner and catch a show at AMK Hub.

I'm officially in school again. Well, since 24th Oct actually.
I'm taking Psychology in James Cook University.
Trololololololol.
I know, it has absolutely nothing to do with 'Audio' nor 'Visual', much less 'Technology'.
But this is what I want, I'm sure of it this time.
Okay, I always seem so sure about many things, like that time I was sure about giving up meat...
I gave up after 2 meal times... I had a good run, *self pat*.
(This is where I blame my mother, and the fact that we're Burmese, and she's always making awesome curry... Because I'm obviously not gonna blame myself, duhhh.)
Anyways, I know some of my friends are totally happy about me making up my mind to do this.
And Zijing is proud, I know she is. Not just because she said she is. But what I don't know is why. The way her mind works always baffles me.

And, in other news, I snipped off my hair on my own again...
Quite a while back too.
Okay, wait, every time I do try to update the blog on stuff like this, I end up posting up music videos and quoting lyrics.

Okay, anyways, I'm still late sometimes. Nobody is surprised. I know.
But I need to clarify this, especially with my guy friends.
I've heard, "Don't do your makeup, you're gonna take another hour."
"You're 2 hours late! Wear makeup for what?"
Like a gazillion times.

See, if I'm late by 2 hours, it's just because I am bad with time management.
We could agree to meet at 2pm, and I'll actually get into the shower at 2pm.
I'm sure if I were to get a brain scan, they will find this thing missing, my sense of urgency.
And 2ndly, sometimes, I don't even wash my face or shower *gasps*, especially if I'm gonna meet my guy friends.
Why? Cause boys are always so dirty and smelly, and they don't bring camera out to camwhore like girls.
I have no reason to want to look decent for them. Ha. Ha.

But when I do wear make up, it takes me like, what, less than 10 minutes.
I'm no guru. I do love watching makeup videos, and reading up on products.
And Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit lower on my money management than I already do all the time, I get myself those products, and then store them up so they can collect dust.

This is all the preparation I do, step by step.
(You know I'm just using this as an excuse to camwhore and show how my hair's turned out. After a yearly pattern of self inflicted hair-disaster since I was 16, this is the first time I'm not punching myself after the episode of random impulsiveness.)

Bare face.

BB-cream (I only do this sometimes when I'm not lazy and when it's good-skin day).
Although it is 'blemish balm' by name, I don't like piling too much stuff on my face when I'm having a break out.

Sandalwood (Thanaka... Yes, it's Burmese. AAAAHHH!!!).
This usually where you're supposed to wear foundation or powder etc.
But I'm Burmese, and I feel more comfortable wearing wood on my face. Lol.

Blusher.

Eyebrow. (I actually have bangs now, so this is not necessary most of the time.)

Eyeliner (And shadow if I mess up, it's always easier to cover up than re-do. )
And I guess, it's always this part that has the most dramatic effect.

Lipstick/gloss.

Okay, finally, the hair, which I rarely ever comb.
(Because I lost my comb, and I'm lazy to buy a new one... :/ What?)

Eh, hungry liao lah.
Ciao.

Let's get this straight

2011-10-21T11:50:00.003+08:00

Do you want me here?
As I struggle through, each and every year...
And all these demons, they keep me up all night...
They keep me up all night.

Sibeh Stressed

2011-10-04T07:38:00.002+08:00

Every time I think about studying.
Location location location.

Overseas is definitely out of the question.
(I don't want to leave my family, friends and boyfriend behind and be away on my own in a (another) foreign land.
I admit, I'm far from being independent, but I'm sure if driven into a situation where there's no choice but to be...I will be.
But, I believe, no matter what stage of life or age you're in, you will still always be more focused and more motivated having comfort around you.)

It also doesn't help that the 2 schools I have in mind are either really down south or up north,
and that I might be moving house end of the year to be even further west.

But I know I really want to go back to school again, I'm sick of waiting around for a convenient answer to show up.
Waiting for something fast and something near, like a quick fix just to get me by.
I guess, if I really want something, this time round, I'll have to force myself to actually put in more effort into working towards it.
Mother is right, while trying to find something that will let me finish the course faster, I've just let a whole year slip me by already.

The Revolution Is Now

2011-09-13T06:34:00.002+08:00

Have you ever asked yourself,

how our lives would be like,
with
the monetary system taken out of the equation?

Making a wish ; Making a switch

2011-08-14T18:22:00.003+08:00

I'm about to go to the airport to pick up Howen now...
I miss him so much, today is our 16th months together.
Hope he remembers!
I'm gonna try not to wish/make a date every month unless he does it, cause I don't wanna make myself come across so annoying...
Yup, it took me 16 months to realize that.
I know, I'm pretty slow.

Anyways, I guess absence does make the heart fonder... My heart go boom boom boom~
(but of course, people, don't take this the wrong way and be the kinda person that's "never there" when he/she needs you.
there's also "Out of sight, out of mind")

I think I'm gonna try making a life-changing decision today.
For the longest time, I've been trying to avoid watching animal cruelty videos.
I remember my very weak attempt to boycott KFC years back while I was in Secondary 3.
And what can I say...
I really really love meat.
I eat meat like as though it's rice.
I love beef, and eggs, and chicken, and mutton and the list goes endlessly on.
It's like I'm always craving something meaty and spicy.

So, I make fun of people like Nick... Cause he's vegan.
Cause he's different.
Now I guess, I was just tryna convince myself he's an idiot for being different
because I wanted to make myself feel better about not being able to give up the things he did
like steak, and curry chicken and ice cream etc...
When I'm the real idiot for turning my back on what I know is the right thing to do.

My sister posted this video up a while ago,
I cried through almost every fucking scene.

I hated myself so much, so yeah, that's it, I'm gonna try my best, to switch to a vegan diet, one step at a time.
I know it's not gonna be easy.
I might not even last long, but it's gonna disappoint me more to not try at all.

And dammit... I fucking hate vegetables :(
Tummy, please don't throw tantrums on me.

Day 1, starting now.

Crystalised

2011-08-12T02:43:00.006+08:00

You've applied the pressure ,
To have me crystallized .
And you've got the faith ,
That I could bring paradise .

I'll forgive and forget ,
Before I'm paralyzed .
Do I have to keep up the pace
To keep you satisfied ?

Things have gotten closer to the sun ,
And I've done things in small doses .
So don't think that I'm pushing you away ,
When you're the one that I've kept closest ...

You don't move slow ,
Taking steps in my directions .
The sound resounds, echo ...
"Does it lessen your affection?"
"..No."

You say I'm foolish ,
For pushing this aside .
But burn down our home ,
I won't leave alive ...

Glaciers have melted to the sea ,
I wish the tide would take me over .
I've been down on my knees ,
And you just keep on getting closer...

Go slow...
... Go slow.

_______________________________________________

I'm feeling pretty stoned right now...
Not because of alcohol or drugs, just naturally stoned.
I feel an invisible weight on my heart and shoulders, and the stupid thing is it's not even really my own problem.
Thoughts jumbled up as random words in my head, and thinking of what to say is like playing a mental wordsearch puzzle game with myself.
That's when I feel the need to blog. Writing helps me sort those words.

Quick update,
I'm 21 now. Happy birthday to me.
Treated a handful of friends to dinner for my birthday, couldn't have thought of a better way to make use of my birthday fund.
My boyfriend is Japan now, but he promised to be make it up to me, so it isn't too bad.
I've learned a thing or two about not getting my hopes up from words after quite a few occasions, but I can't help but hope... I mean, what else do we all really have, but that?

I've started working at this new restaurant in Marina Square, it's called The Tastings Room, for about 1 and a half month now...
My workmates are lovely, well... most, I could possibly feel as attached to TTR as I did for Udders.
I love that feeling... I love feeling at home outside of home.

And on tackling emotions via other's problems, cause at one point of time or another, we all relate to the same things.
(*very bad and obvious code names used)

J-net was telling me about her ex-girlfriend on our cab back home from supper after work just now.
I just want to say something, why is it that people will chase after
and then hold on to someone with the idea of "not falling further into it"?
Do they have any idea how insulting and ridiculous it sounds to those
that are actually giving it their everything each and every time?
It's like they conveniently overlook the most fundamental law,
that IF you are not going to fall IN...
then you're gonna have to fall OUT.

Cause you can only either want someone in your life or you don't.
If you do, you have to act right, and treat them like you do.
You can't be like, "I'm not sure if I do, I will behave as though I don't care... but don't go. Stay. Stay and love me, the way I won't love you."
Ultimately, that would make you the most selfish person.
It's only natural, that a person who loves with everything, wants to be loved with everything too, and deserves to be.
And the ones that take love without giving, sure as hell don't deserve any.
Trust me when I say it sure as hell hurts, mindfucks you and leaves you feeling faithless and betrayed.
And even after everything is alright, the confusion will still come back to haunt you now and then.
So please, people... If you want to loved, you have to love right.
Even if the other side seems to be giving in every time and trying hard alone, that's because they love you...
But it will never work for long, if you don't do the works too.
After all, we'll only get what we give. It's the law of the universe.

Bimbok's also having problems with her girlfriend recently (okay, why so many gay girls?!).
That girl told her she loves her but was not completely certain about it.
It's understandable that you will feel insecure and afraid sometimes, especially if you come from horrible past relationships etc.
I know falling in love is like handing out your heart on a platter to another person, trusting that they won't hurt it,
and a lot of times, that's exactly what they end up doing.

Sometimes, I do wonder too... Why? Why fall in love?
Why be in a relationship and make yourself so vulnerable and weak?
Why give someone else the power to make or break your day?
Why let someone else affect the way you feel with just a text, call, expression?
...But at the end of it, I know that you just can't be guarded from these things and emotions.
Because if you're gonna fall in love,
You have to fall heels over head...
Or it wouldn't be real.

Well, the fear and uncertainty, that's just the beauty of love.
You just have to risk it all, and trust in her/him.
When it's real, you'll get the answers why.
That the very thing that could damage you, could also be what heals you and make you a better person.
There's just no other way about it, you have to give yourself and commit completely...
Sure no one can promise each other that there'll be no differences and fights and misunderstanding, but what matters is that you'll be there to work it out together, so please cherish and treasure them properly.
If not, you shouldn't even be in a relationship in the first place, not as the 'chaser' or even as the 'consenting side', it is unfair to the other person who is giving it their all, thinking you are doing the same too.

________________________________________________

Okay, gotta stop.
I wish I would stop blogging about love and religion -.-
I'm annoyed at myself for having such strong opinions all the time.
But nothing else intrigues me as much as human relations.
Learning from myself and the people around me...

Yes, I am THAT lame.

Papercuts

2011-07-28T23:16:00.003+08:00

"...But, I love her."

Love and Choices

2011-07-28T22:38:00.005+08:00

Just watched The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya last night with Howen.

I remembered, when I was a slight bit younger, I used to think a lot, too much perhaps...

Well, I still do, but as I get older, I'd shut most of it off.

I remember, thinking that my whole life might just be a dream-like state,

Where everyone was just a fragment of my imagination.

All the physics and sciences and languages were all conjured up in a subconscious state of my mind,

that all laid out and played out perfectly.

In a way, I thought, perhaps

I might be my own God.

Now, I figure, perhaps, it's predestined I am in love my partner.

It could be that I have subconsciously pictured a dark Chinese boy at 170cm to be love in with, and therefore, I am.

It's safe to say so, because everyone, other than family, in your life is actually a matter of choice, above fate.

Choice, simply because you chose them amongst the thousands you've met by fate.

And, I wondered, could it be my own choice then,

that I would be with someone who was gratefully heels over head for me at the beginning,

and start neglecting his role afterward.

Because, I would always complain and rant about how I much I dislike being ignored and taken for granted etc, but still I'd chosen to not move from where I am.

When other girls would expect things like gifts, sweet messages, being fetched, being top priority etc,

and would have the right to get angry when those things are missing,

to me, it's as though him existing and making contact with me is already a privilege in itself.

To be honest, that feeling does suck.

Yet, to be fair, it isn't like he was not a nice gentleman before,

and it is normal for people to start behaving as such when they get comfortable.

But as a girl, I guess it's also normal to want to feel loved by your lover every now and then.

Still, sometimes, I would look at other girls' relationships and get jealous and frustrated, thinking,

'It's not fair. I try harder, am nicer more tolerant, more giving, more etc etc than those girls. Yet, why is it that they are more appreciated and treated better?'

It used to make me so upset every time I thought of it.

But now, I feel like I'm coming to terms with it.

I realize now, it's all our own choices.

They've chosen to be with people who would be that way for them.

And likewise, I've chosen him.

I can complain and rant and argue with him over it, but at the end of the day, whatever the out-turn,

I'd still choose to be with him.

So as silly as it makes me feel, it also makes everything feel better.

If things get better and go my way, then lucky me,

if it doesn't, then at least I could say, 'It's alright, I choose this for myself.'

instead of, 'Fuck shit, it's unfair, I must be so damned in love.'

Because I know, if I were at a crossroad of decisions to make,

One that would assure me of not going through any sort of hurt or pain, and another, him.

I'd choose him all over again, out of my own free will.

Not knowing if he will be for better or worse, but just hoping and wishing, that he'd choose to be better.

And for now, that is what I will choose to hold on to.

The same goes for many other relations and aspects in life.

From the friends you hang out with, how sleepy you are at work/school, to the money in your bank.

It's all because of the actions and decisions you've chosen...

In a way, you direct your own life, although sometimes luck does play a factor,

but I believe luck is something you bring unto yourself as well by the deeds you do, good and bad.

When all's said and done, when you look behind the curtains,

You'd realize... You are your own God too.

On the 4th day of July

2011-07-04T03:39:00.000+08:00

Deep in Summer's eye.
Naked, like the truth should always be.

Kickstarts

2011-06-05T22:52:00.003+08:00

Start to think it could be fizzling out
Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts
Look into your eyes, imagine life without 'ya

...And the love kick starts again.
Starts again.

It's the same old you, the same old me
You get bored and I get cold feet
Get high, get wandering eyes
Forget I've never ever had it so sweet
I realize what I got when I'm out of town
Cause deep down, you're my girl in a golden crown
My princess, and I dont wanna let you down
No I don't wanna let you down.

No regrets,

2011-05-26T07:05:00.001+08:00

Just Love.

"Hmm this looks familiar..."?

(I was kinda reading through my old posts and felt like pushing forth an entry from like way back during end of July last year.)

"If love had an equation, and you knew the solution,

maybe we wouldn't hurt each other,

maybe we wouldn't misunderstand each other,

and maybe we could just love."

All I really want is to understand you better...

Why you feel the way you feel, why you do the things you do or don't.

I wanna know all these things,

Cause if I had the answers, I was hoping, maybe you'd like me more, cause then I wouldn't be annoying you...

And it scares me, because sometimes I really don't know at all.

If you could, please take my hand and show me, love.

...Please?

High Off Of Love

2011-05-26T00:44:00.006+08:00

Strength vs Silence

2011-05-24T09:51:00.016+08:00

It's been nearly 2 months since my last update here, because firstly, there's Twitter for short updates on the daily mundane stuff, and secondly, I've gotten Tumblified.
It's good, I mean, Tumblr lets me use pictures and words shared by others that depicts my thoughts and emotions too, that which comes with a sense of comfort, probably in knowing I am not alone, thousands of others out there are feeling the same way a thousands of others do.
But yes, it makes me lazy to lay it out on my own.

Recently, I've just been busy with researching on schools and trying to apply for temp jobs.
In fact, I'm going for a job interview later in the afternoon followed by some course's preview session at night.
My poly graduation ceremony is today (or was it yesterday?... doesn't matter), but I'm not going.
Mom and I did fight about me not wanting to attend though, I told her to have faith that there will be another one more graduation ceremony in the near future.

I've been wondering lately, what defines the strength of a relationship?
Is it the good times you share? The smiles and jokes?
Then I started to realize, it is, actually, the exact opposite of those.

It is the bad times, the horrible ones, the misunderstandings and the fights, how you get through those rough patches is the definitive display of the strength you both have.
Not just among couples, but friends and families too.

I remember, once back in secondary school, when I had a bad fight with Gay, we were like throwing stuff and shouting at each other, and then we got caught by the principal.
It was pretty ugly... But at the end, I remember we kinda cried, hugged and made up.
And then he said, "Don't worry, these silly fights will only make us stronger."
... I burnt that moment into my mind for good.

It is easy to have fun and laughs with someone, but as time goes by and you get closer, it is inevitable that there will be problems.
With closeness, they start to see you for who you are, not the person you've displayed for the world to see...
And because we're all individuals, no matter how similar and how much you have in common with each other, there are bound to be differences that become more apparent with time.
And closeness and differences isn't always a bad thing, though it scares some and some just shun away...
But if you were to give up because of slight differences, then the only person you could be with is yourself.

I'm not saying, go and fight with the ones you love... No, love (cheesy as it is) is patient, understanding and kind.
But do know that, 'patient, understand and kind' is not 'Silence'.
As much as you love, you deserve to be loved back, especially in a relationship... The moment you both agreed to take each others hands, was the moment one-sidedness had to die.
So know that, you deserve and have the right to have your needs met (not selfishly, of course) and your doubts cleared, and staying silent does not make anything easier for anyone.
A relationship that constantly revolves around guessing games will eventually become a tiring one.

When there's a problem, confront it, thrash it out, understand each of your views and compromise...
Although it always seems easier to keep quiet and let it be, understand that this is not an act of magic that will make the problem go away by just ignoring it.
Ignoring problems is like laying invisible bricks between two people, and usually no one realizes or bothers with it until it's stacked too high and you're set too far apart, losing the person most precious to you.

But yes, talking seems like a bothersome emotional thing to do, and there's always this fear of upsetting him/her and getting into a fight.
However, there is (quote somewhere) 'No automatic love story', you have to go out of your way to make it work, and when you love that person, it'll be worth it all...
So fight if you must, because (quote) 'Although harsh words may hurt feelings, silence will break hearts'.

Talking it out doesn't work unless both does it, there is no one-sided way to make a relationship work.
When it comes to your heart, it never was a battle you could win alone.

Even though keeping quiet seems like damage control, not partaking in the conversation will come across as 'not being bothered', leading to further misunderstanding and problems.
Unless both sides deal with the issue, there will be no closure.

'No closure', meaning, at the back of your heads, there will always be this sense of dissatisfaction with the way things are going, because it wasn't solved.
I'm sure everyone is familiar with that feeling, like something small bugging you at the back of your head that makes you irrationally displeased with other small matters.

As important as it is to listen, hearing someone out but not doing anything about it, will lead to 2 situations which draws the line between 'Relationship' and 'Relationshit'.
1. He/she will keep having to repeat it, thinking the message is not getting through... This is will be irritating to both sides, the one repeating and the one listening.
2. He/she will be convinced you just simply don't care.

Crucial point being, if you accept what they say, then agree and do something about it. If you don't, then say so, and explain why.
When you love someone, you have to deal with your problems, keeping silent at the wrong time is the worst thing to do to someone you love.

'Making something work' is easier said than done too, there is no circuit, no switch, it's all done manually, with sincere effort shown through your actions.
This is when you look back at all the good times you share and decide if it's worth getting through bad times for.

_____________________________________________________

What I do know is that when we're happy, we're so high... And I remember how precious he made me feel before... And all this gives me strength, and reminds me that the boy I fell in love with, is worth holding on and waiting for.

Sometimes, in love, when times get tough, you just have to get tougher... That is my resolve.

And with each tiding of dark times, I hope we come out stronger than before.

I know it's...

2011-03-28T07:08:00.002+08:00

It's gonna be alright. ♥

___________________________________________________________

To study now or to get a full time job?
Either way, part-time? Full-time? Which school/ what job? Grrrrl.
....Geesh, I hate growing up.

After working at MBS Audio Visual service counter for like the past few weeks.
I'm finally out of stable/consistent calls :(
That's the sucky thing about being a freelance crew y'see.
But I've already earned more than my fair share...
Gonna bomb the last chunk of the pay on Teh Howenerer's birthday, not sure how though.

Wanted (actually, more like 'need') to go down to Ngee Ann Poly to print out all my semester's grades/results...
Cause I can't complete enrolling into any school without it, and I can't log onto NP's student website anymore... Think it fucking disowned me already, even though I haven't even gone thru the ceremony or gotten the cert.
And the final transcript I collected from school last year after FYP has somehow just vanished.
Don't you just hate that feeling?...When you misplace shit everywhere and anyhow, you can somehow find it back... But when you try to like take the extra measure to actually keep something important safe, you can't remember where, and then it's just as good as lost.
Pfft.
But anyways, I've been procrastinating and delaying for days, cause I don't wanna go back to NP alone, and no one is free enough for me drag along.

I just wanna lock myself in Howen's room and play on his new PS3 all day.
Naruto Shippuden Ninja Storm izzz da shitz brah!
Although I'm always losing to H in every single battle, he doesn't know that I'm actually just secretly letting him win every time.

May Mon, out~

Mercury Summer

2011-03-25T14:28:00.013+08:00

I hope you come back soon.

I wish you'd make me feel special like you used to.
I wish you'd be nice to me without me telling you to.
I wish everything just came instinctively from you, from the heart.
And it's not like you don't know how. It's just that you don't.
The simplest words and actions that I've kept etched into my heart. You just don't, anymore.
I wish it doesn't feel like like I'm the only one trying to keep it going, and you're just not bothered.
I'm afraid that if one day I were to get tired and stopped trying so hard, we might just fall, and if we do, would you care to catch us at all?
Would it be too much a step to take? A phone call and a text too many?

In a game of hide and seek, would you even find me?

Because I never asked for much, for anything at all, because I fell in love simply with the way you made me feel.
The smallest glances and words and texts and smiles and gestures that told me your heart could beat in time with mine.
But you don't even do those simple things anymore, and I actually have to ASK for it at times, your lack of interest and effort is getting obvious, no matter how much I try to get it across to you, it just keeps happening again, and I don't know what else to do to fix it.
I want you to fix it. I want you to try. Hard. Like I'm worth using every fucking nerve and cell in your body.
Too often now you make me feel like I'm not worth it anymore, like you've forgotten that I'm supposed to be important to you.
What was initially meant to be mutual is starting to feel like a one sided crush on my side. And I'm too old for childish crushing.
I need your hand against mine to clap.

I wish all these bad feelings would disappear for good, and that you'd make me feel loved everyday, like you'd said you would.

I wish you'd remember to hold me soon, I really don't want to slip away.

KPOP & TOP.

2011-03-11T14:34:00.006+08:00

I used to think
"Eeew, a bunch of guys wearing makeup and singing and dancing. No thanks."

And now... I'm an official sell-out.
All because of T.O.P.
(or Choi Seung Hyun... but let's just stick to TOP)

I'm sure it is illegal to be THIS FUCKING HOT in some parts of the world.
And now with his white hair, it's almost electrifying.
Haven't said this in a longgg time but....
COME TO MOMMA!!! >:D

The sun is coming,

2011-03-09T18:38:00.001+08:00

the sun is coming out. :)

Woohoo~ Kan old school! Don't judge.

當我才發覺就是愛世界變了
dang wo cai fa jue jiu shi ai shi jie bian le
當你在傳達你愛我手牽著我
dang ni zai chuan da ni ai wo shou qian zhe wo
當我正想你就是愛天空晴了
dang wo zheng xiang ni jiu shi ai tian kong qing le
當我抬起頭你在眼前了
dang wo tai qi tou ni zai yan qian le
♥ ♥ ♥

I could never understand

2011-03-09T13:33:00.002+08:00

couples who use those 3 words and show affection sparingly,
or when people feel they should only say "I Love You" when they mean it so that it doesn't lose its impact.

Well, the only problem we should all be facing is not being able to say it enough.
If one moment, you could say 'I love you', and then not mean it the next, then it's just wrong.
You are not supposed to mean it when you say it, but to say it BECAUSE you mean it,
and the thing about love is that, you'll always mean it.

When you say we should take time to sort ourselves out to figure out what we want.
It worries me...
Because I've figured it out long ago, and I want you.
So I hope I'm what you want too.

I am constantly look for all the small things that proves you meant it when you said,
"I love you more than you can imagine".
Because love, to me, is constant and unconditional, not something that is shown once in a while.
Recently, I didn't see them much anymore, those little things you used to do that showed how much I mean to you,
And so it made me sad...
Perhaps, because my imagination is more.
Perhaps, because I love you much more, too much more.

Lazy Daisy

2011-02-01T00:42:00.004+08:00

I've been wanting to write a post, I had things I wanna blog about...
I dint wanna forget, so I even made notes in point forms to remember what I wanna say...
Cause I'm tne of those idiots who have STML and conversations with me often have the
"Aaah, I wanted to tell you something, but shit, what did I wanna say?... Err...err.... SHIT!!!"

But yeah, I'm so fucken busy trying to scratch my armpit.

Anyways, happy holidays you bastards :}

You want what's best for me

2011-01-26T01:53:00.000+08:00

But do you know what's best for me?

........You.

We love like vampires

2011-01-23T19:49:00.004+08:00

Dance in the underground.

I shall upload the Bangkok pictures soon!
Anyways, it was a blast (thank goodness not literally), wish we had had more time even though we were already there for 4 days and 3 nights.
Ate lotsa goodshiznitz, and the most most most amazing thing is that even after all that holiday pigging, I actually lost weight in Bangkok.
It's prolly due to the fact that there weren't actually many lifts or escalators, motherfucking climb the old school way everywhere we went.
And almost everything was spicy enough to make H poop 3 times a day, I guess everything adds up :)

And then I got back to Singapore and then gained weight after a few days here.
It makes NO sense. I know.
I really wanna go somewhere soon again,
this must be what they all called 'Wanderlust'.

A week more till I can see you again :D

Slip.

2011-01-23T13:45:00.001+08:00

I thought everything would be alright as long as I stay strong, no matter how far, no matter how long.
And plus the fact that we're somehow emotionally closer when we're apart.
I told myself, as long as I stay strong, I could hold him back up even as he gets weak.
And today I suddenly remembered even I get weak at times.

I just need some assurance now, just like you do, but all I feel right now is, void.

Please don't fade away.
These lonely nights seem lonelier without you.

Swing a little more ;

2011-01-04T04:27:00.009+08:00

A little more next to me.
______________________________________________________

First post of 2011, Woohoo!
Christmas at Gay's turned out pretty awesome, I have to admit - he's an awesome cook :)
And NYE was Enoch's birthday, and we all somehow ended up at DblO,
luckily this year I wasn't queuing for toilet in the club/bar at midnight into the new year, which was what happened consecutively for 2008 and 2009,
I can't remember how 2010's was like except that I was an emotional wreck. Blah.

And the DblO photographer took a picture of me and H, which I feel is pretty dope, even though my hair was a mess and H doesn't have any. Hehe.

I still adore you, hair or (almost) none, baby :)

One more week til P.O.P, and despite what I said about losing hope in Bangkok earlier.
...We're gonna go there!!! :) Like YAY!!!
On Monday, which is like just 6 days from now.
I've booked the flight and hotel already and I'm really really reeeeeeally excited about it,
but I have no idea how to express the intensity of my excitement without slamming the keyboard, and I'm not gonna do that.
Not at 4.30 in the morning. No.

_____________________________________________________

After weeks of nagging from Mom, I finally went to collect my spectacles.
And it's Ray Ban! :D
I actually chose some huuuge comical looking cheap frame, cause I know I wouldn't wear specs unless something goes wrong with my contact lenses, and even then I would rather walk around half-blind than to wear specs.
I just hate the way it kinda minimizes your eyes when you wear them, and you feel like shit.
But Mom forced me to choose a good frame, I don't really see the difference, but whatever floated her boat lah.
I do admit I quite like it though, even though the frame does feel a bit loose.
And then again, if it's tight, I get headaches easily, cause I have a ~~kinda~~ big head for those who don't know yet. :/

(i think i would like to have short hair if it does turn out like this)
(but obviously it won't)

__________________________________________________________
Rant : Don't even bother reading this part, I'm typing without a mental-filter.

Recently, I've been feeling slightly... detached. Almost lonely.
As much as it bothers me, I kinda feel too lazy to give a fuck.
And I don't mean that I don't care, I just don't feel like going out of my way to make it go away.
It's prolly cause H is in army, as with most of my friends, no work recently, Stanley (who is prolly like my most "on" buddy) is in Switzerland, and I miss Udders, and friends who aren't in army still have school/internship/work...
Through the weekdays when I'm completely bored, no one else is free.
And then suddenly, everyone wanna do some shit on the weekends,
And I hate it, cause I cannot manage my time, and I don't wanna prioritize,
cause from being able to spend almost everyday with H during pre-army days, and now having to wait thru the weekdays to be with him again for the weekend, I can't bear to be away for even a few minutes of his book-out time, and it's lovely that he hangs with my friends sometimes too, but still he has his own, and they are always..."constant", and I like it, I like consistency, and right now, the only thing that is truly "constant" in my life is him.
(and fuck you if you thought i was referring to 'God')
That feeling when two lives intertwine, you only get that with people whose lives revolve around you and vice versa, usually when we're younger, and you go to school together, go out together, do everything together - this group of friends.
And then you go separate ways, and no matter how hard you've worked to keep those people close to you, everyone paves a new life and intertwine with others, and from people that use to be with each other everyday, you start to see each other perhaps once in 2 weeks, in a month, or less.
And emotionally and with unwritten words, the bond is always strong/close, but physically, nothing is constant.
And I don't mean to be sexist, especially not to my own kind, but when it comes to being even the slightest bit reliable, you don't get it from girl-friends, the girly kind, no matter how much you adore each other, I don't know why, probably cause guys are all about loyalty and stuff, well, most, or maybe it's just I've always been more guy-oriented while growing up...
And first, you will want to/try to be the fall-back-friend, the one that is always there to the ones that aren't, when they need you again... And you'd try, but even that becomes tiring to keep up with time.
Sometimes, you get lucky and a few endeared ones will still continue down the same path as you for the next phase of your life, and that was what Poly was for me...
But your luck ends short when you're a girl, like me, and all your constant buddies are guys, and then they enter army, and you don't.
And you just feel like shit and feel so fucking bored and lonely everyday, and you scroll through your fucking contact list on the phone and don't even feel like texting half the people on it, cause they were never there to begin with and you'd know it'd just be a waste of time to even try to ask them for their time.
But, yes, I know I'm gonna have to learn to manage my time for other things/people soon, just not now...
Cause right now, I can't bring myself to do it, even though it makes me feel weak, but I need this, I need him. (again, it's not jesus)
I mean, I always will, just that I know I need to be less emotionally-dependent on him in the future, and I know that, very well.
For now, those others that mean a lot, please bear with me, I don't mean to be disappointing, and it doesnt mean that I dont care, it's just that time has never been a friend of mine, just like my neighbors and their fucking kids who call me "Auntie" when they see me.
Sometimes, I wish I were in army too, then I wouldn't even have the time to feel this way.
SIGN ON AI MAI? :o

__________________________________________________________

At least right now, it's sorta easier when I'm buying presents, from BKK, and that's all I'm gonna try to think about right now.

BKK
BKK
BKK
BKK!!!!

Any other thoughts, can wait.
May Mon, out.

I'm so layyyzee

2010-12-22T10:47:00.002+08:00

to blog nowadays.

But I'm really bored right now, went to drink at Homeclub with Shitty and friends last night, I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that we were the only patrons there then.
And okay, so I got home around 2plus, cause the mofos have work at 9am.
Then I slept almost immediately (yay booze snooze!)... and and and, I woke up before 8am!
Automatically!
Yesterday too, woke up 10am without even trying, actually I was trying the opposite of waking up,
I was tryna go back to sleep, so damn frustrating to be awake when there's nothing to do.
CCB *kicks airs*, even when I had work the next day also never ever managed to get out of bed so successfully,
and now when it's time for me to a slob, my body-clock suddenly wants to be all healthy and shit.
FFFFUUUUUU body-clock!

Not working for this whole week, cause the events are all lined up around Friday thru weekends for Christmas, and as much as it aches my heart to not earn a single dime,
it'll break it if I don't get to spend time with H thru-out his bookout period, which is gon be earlier this week... Thursday! :D
And we're going to Gay's christmas dinner on Saturday night, he's like cooking dinner for all of us, and my good ol' Choonsoon is gonna be there. I'm so happy I could cry right now and go to church.

And and and, next week H's coming out on Wednesday - swee boh?!
So I doubt I'll be working then too...

Cant wait til he P.O.P.s!!! Wanna go on a trip again, but no idea where to yet, and I've totally lost my faith in going Bangkok already cause they having elections, again.
(ccb, you wanna choose your parliament how many times?!)

I have like 700bucks left from my 1.1k pay, which is not bad, judging from my previous spending pattern.
Actually, to be honest, I don't think it improved, just that my I finally have more money to spend now.
In the past, a monthly pay from Udders would be like $400+ maximum.
And I could easily devour and spend it all in a blink of an eye, or 3 days, to be exact.
My workmates used to BET on how fast I'll finish my pay.
And now, 1.1k was what I got for 2 weeks of work, I felt like flying when the pay finally came in.
I've never seen that many numbers in my account before, in fact, I've never hit $1000 before, EVER.

Okok, 1k might not seem like a big deal, especially for someone my age, but me, I'm really bad at saving money, and it's been sort of like a long time dream I had just to even save that much.
I got up to 600bucks before, but that was it, and it wasn't accumulated from me saving up diligently, it's just that my first pay from Udders was 2 month's worth combined.

I remember I used to have this mini wish-list at the side of the blog, and saving 1k in my bank was in the list since I was like 16.
But yeah, I removed the whole list entirely after coming to terms with the fact I'll never actually achieve any goal in life, no matter how small. Sad, isn't it.
...But now, I feel like I can do ANYTHING!!! *self hug*
I feel like I could even possibly meet Natalie Tran (Communitychannel), and Brody Dalle, as long as they're still alive.
I feel like I could even run for president now.
I feel like.......

this!

Sunday

2010-12-13T21:53:00.002+08:00

is my new favourite day
to hate.

Is it a war zone?
Is it a freak show?
Is it a terror dome?
Is it a radio?
Is it a firewall?
Is it a death toll?
Is it an atom bomb?
Is it a tombstone?
____________________________________________________________

Why MUST our boyfriends book in on a Sunday night instead of Monday morning, hmm hmm?

H just got out of this 5 days 4 nights field camp, and could only book out like one day before going back in for another field camp.
And he's been a bit sick lately, the monsoon season definitely isn't doing him any good.
Poor boy, hope the clouds have been kind.

Anyways, I've (finally) left Udders to join MBS as an AV crew member.
Been working there for the past 2 weeks now, I'm supposedly a casual but I've been devoting Monday to Thursday (sometimes Friday depending on when H books out) to MBS.

I really miss the girls and the ice cream and all, minus the part where we only get 5bucks/hour.
But MBS is awesome too, mostly because most of us, under Lighting department, are my ex classmates/friends.
Shitty and Choowee joined much earlier, and they just switched to becoming full timers.
Manager did ask me too, but I don't think I'm ready to make any commitment now.

Kinda learned alot, sooo much more than I did in class during the past 3 years, actually,
and even though the working hours are sometimes crrrazy (like I ever did 20hrs shift before for some major event).

The welfare is awesome!
Pay's $14/hr plus O.T = 1.5 of pay/hr
And, the staff diner is like this awwwwsome (and free) all-you-can-eat buffet, every meal, every day!!!
And smoke breaks are like hourly - it's crazy.
The amount of time we spend on smoke breaks in a day is enough to cover back the money for the price of the cigarette pack.

So it's really no surprise I've been pigging out like mad lately :(
One thing I mind though is that I've been wearing grey/black tees almost everyday now.
This lack of colors make me feel so gloomy, so I've resorted to using the weekends to fully 'compensate' for it.

Oh, plus my arm muscles damn...sexy now. Got the slight bump contours even without flexing.
What to do? The equipments at work are as heavy as my mother eh. Mai siao siao.
Anyways, gotta get my running shoes and get back on track soon!

Gonna crash now, there are EIGHT weddings coming up this week, on the same day (like wtf?)
And also this hugeass MBS Year End Talent Show-aka-Year End Party bullshit.
Do setups likka dog...Then spend likka boss.

First payday on 16th. I've already thought of a thousand ways to spend it.
YOSH!!!

Half Light

2010-11-24T01:13:00.003+08:00

And all that I've seen, means nothing to me... without you.
So when I see you next, we'll make the most of it - Tell the sun to start moving again.
Taste of your kiss, I still got on my lips.
And I will take you there with me. ♥

It's you and me, connected to a satellite.
It's you and me, love through a machine.

This beautiful song is how I feel every night when I hear your voice on the other side of the line :)
I love you, dear.

Phonecalls

2010-11-21T16:30:00.001+08:00

Last night, H couldnt fall asleep, so he called me at like 1.45am.
Telling me to sing to him till he can knock out.

And that went on for 2 hours, probably the longest we've ever been on the phone together.
He kept saying, "One more last song please?" like a child.
And I teared, partly because the songs made have made me sad, partly because I wanted so bad to be there, anywhere with him.

This felt different from when he went overseas and stuff, this time I can feel he misses me just as bad too.
From being a crude, usually non-mushy, tomboyish couple, we became the loveydovey phone type, never expected it though, but it feels terribly nice, like the spaces in between had somehow disappeared, and we're together in a small empty room, just us two.
As much as I wanted to stay on the line forever, I didnt want him being a zombie when he has to wake up at 5am everyday, and I didnt want the phone battery to die too soon.

Cause we'll have 5 to 10min calls every night, and hearing his voice is what gets me through the day, no matter how bad it was.
This small routine has become the most important part of my life now.

Anyways, H's given me a deadline to think about what I wanna do with my life, it's really scary
because of everything I ever known, that's one thing I've lost track of while growing up.
Mom kept asking me of what I wanna study too, and I told her to give me time, cause I didnt wanna regret whatever path I take, again.
I told H that I'll be working at MBS so it's kinda like doing something, even though it's casual, but he said he didnt want me bumming around every week just waiting for him to book out.
It was really sweet of him to be worried about my life/future when I myself couldnt be too bothered honestly.

I just really wish I have a dream (besides him) to chase...
But dreams arent very practical either... Argh wtf.
Come on, life, give me a sign, show me where I should be.

I dont know how I fell this deep, but I dont ever wanna stop myself either.
So please, please dont ever let go.

Rage against your mother

2010-11-19T17:34:00.003+08:00

Funny how anger gives you a strange kind of high.

"Rage Against the Machine's "Killing In The Name" ended Simon Cowell’s four year domination
of the Christmas charts in 2009 after a hugely popular Facebook campaign helped
RATM snatch the Christmas number one spot from some X factor dude."

LOL, imagine Simon's reaction when the results came out.

"Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.
Motherfuckerrr!"

Gawwwd I love this song.

Going off to work soon, Ghey is coming over to visit after he books out.
CCB, I must treat him icecream again -.-
Oh well, might as well, while I'm still working there. Geesh.

Hello mister

2010-11-16T14:12:00.007+08:00

Pleased to meet ya.

I wanna keep telling the whole world, everyone and even the stones and trees,
how wonderful you are and how much I love you.
Including my parents... One day. :)

Months ago while H went to Taiwan, though I joined like a week later, and the only way we could keep in touch was thru Skype.

And I secretly documented him while I was showing him something funny. Hee.

Fucking love his smile/laugh… *melts* ><>

That’s why I’m forever gonna wanna make him happy.
:)

See you in a few hours time, love.

If I never knew you

2010-11-15T04:01:00.002+08:00

Suddenly felt like watching Pocahontas, and so I did.

It's so beautiful~ goddamn I used to love Disney cartoons so much...
I mean I still do.
That's why it's so lovely that you love them too, no other boy would have sung those soundtracks with me. Hee.
I adore you, Howen... I can't wait to see you on Tuesday night.

This is my favourite part of the movie...
And then it continues into a song which wasnt originally in the movie.

"I'd rather die tomorrow, than live a hundred years without knowing you"

Hello little girl,

2010-11-14T02:40:00.002+08:00

I was really happy to see you eat normally today... It's been... a long while.

I'm sorry I was never really there for you,
I'm sorry for all the times I made fun of you when we were younger...
Even though as a kid, you were a haughty little bitch to everyone else, somehow you've always looked up/listened to me and thought about me first, be it any kinda food, or toys.
I bet you don't remember. It's okay... Cause I've let you down.

I never meant any of it, it was the only childish comeback I had to end our silly fights, I always played the mean card. I'm a terrible person.
But I want you to know I'd always secretly thought you were awesome, cause you were always so different and weird (like 10 times more weird than me), but confident at the same time, and that made you so beautiful...
I'm sure that's what that guy fell for too, that wonderful funny person you are inside of you.

I failed to take notice of what was happening to you at first since I was barely around, it was only when you started looking so...sick, that I realized something was wrong. Then it fucking worried me to see you act that way.
I know growing up is hard, seems like with how everyone's behaving and being judgmental, how you look and the size of your clothes suddenly becomes everything that matters... Even I feel the pressure at times, nobody seems to be happy with how they are.

But you're better than that, you're too special to be that superficial and dense.
It's a phase you'll get through, I believe in you.
And even when it ends, you'll be sparkling (like a muthafucking edwardcullen) and beautiful, I know it.
I just want you to be healthy and happy, I don't wanna see you so grey and fragile and falling sick again and again.
I don't wanna see you lose yourself to this.
I'll exercise with you and be there for you if you ever need me.
Cause after all, you're my favourite baby sister...
(Well, actually, you're my only sister -.- so that makes you my favourite by default.... jk.)

I would never say this in real life... but I love you.
So please please please take care of yourself.

When I'm kissing you

2010-11-14T00:34:00.001+08:00

It all starts making sense ♥

You get closer, and there's nowhere in this world I'd rather be.

Happy 7th month baby. (Obviously not the spooky kind -.-)
I'm loving you with every bit of sane madness in me. :)

good/bad habits

2010-11-13T05:12:00.005+08:00

I like to snack, alot.
I used to down 20 Oreo cookies with 1 cup of milk like it's a no-big-deal before-bed-kinda thing...
Kinda explains my high sugar level, diabetes-prone body.
Actually it's quite improved since I've been with H, cause he kinda got me to control my sweet tooth and junk food cravings.
And as much as we're both into food, fast-food is a no-no with him, at the most probably like once in a few months?
So in a weird way, my lazygrizzlybum boyfriend is actually really healthy. o.o

And because I have a screwed up body clock that could easily be a sleeping disorder, I get hungry at ridiculous times like 3 in the morning...
Plus there's always wonderful food at home, cause my mother is like the best fucking cook in the world, most of the time, some sort of meat.
I'll tell myself, 'Okay, Have a piece or two.' and end up eating everything but that piece or two. Ha ha.
It's terrible how I lack self-control at home, almost as bad as how I lack time management.

Luckily, I've not been gaining weight, and have been slowly losing actually...like magickkkk~~~
Anyways, I think it's all because I had to exercise with H, even though it's only once in a while, but it really helps/shows.
And I feel awesome afterwards even though I feel like dying halfway thru jogging and stuff.

Now that H's in army, there'll be no one to push me to exercise :( And no one to control my junk food cravings...

Anyways, tonight one of those absurd nights that the kitchen doesnt have leftover meat from dinner, and I finished my jar of random assorted cookies last night...
So there's no choice but to snack on... fruits. T_T

I dont know why the fuck my Mom bought these -.-,
maybe she thought she damn cute or something, but to me they look like they kana some shrink-ray gun.
And I have to eat several of those just to ease the hunger pangs, geesh...

Anyways, I'll be sleeping soon after I'm done watching ep57 of Detective Conan, this really old awwwwsome anime that you should watch, because it's cool and it'll make you uncool if you've never watched it before.

____________________________________________________________

Quick update on the week so far :
I've been trying to keep myself busy since Monday, and I've probably caught up with alot of friends this week, Shitty, Shoowen, Clyde & Dinesh, Stanley and just today, Jessica...
Well, that also leaves me super broke now T-T
Despite that, if I could get a penny for every time that I miss H, I think I'll be fucking rich again in a day.
Every day I'm looking forward to that one time of the night around 10pm when he calls me, it's almost like as though I'm getting through the day driven just to hear his voice at night.

Birthday shoutouts to
Jessica, Joy, Evon, Choowee and Clyde.
Stay awesome, like me.
Ok, bye.
!m!

I can fly

2010-11-09T14:00:00.001+08:00

But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings

I can love
But I need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part

Come home soon

2010-11-09T13:34:00.003+08:00

It's been 2 days and I'm missing you already.

Awww my baby's all grown up now...

Army life is gon be so tough for a lazy bum like him who sleep 12 hours a day...

I shall try super hard to keep myself occupied before I turn all emo and shit.
YOSH!
Meeting Shoowen soon to go collect our Diploma certs from school (yay us~)
I know I miss campus food, but I cant really remember what exactly.

And I wanna thank Allah for placing Hari Raya next week,
so I can see my boyfriend again soon instead of 3 long weeks after.

Everytime

2010-11-06T05:48:00.002+08:00

when you randomly wake in midst of your heavy sleep,

and barely opening your eyes,

you hug me as if to make sure I'm there.

and with that, you plant a kiss on my forehead...

and I fall in love with you like nobody's business.

Hold me

2010-11-01T01:59:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm slipping away from you.

Anorexia Nervosa

2010-10-29T16:02:00.003+08:00

is one type of eating disorder.
More importantly, it is also a psychological disorder.

Anorexia is a condition that goes beyond out-of-control dieting.
Because anorexia isn't how skinny you are, it's a mental disorder,
which means constantly counting calories, having a distorted self body image,
thinking your bigger than you actually are and a fear of putting on weight is what 'nervous' is about,
which is where the Nervosa in Anorexia Nervosa comes from.

A person with anorexia often initially begins dieting to lose weight.
Over time, the weight loss feels like a sign of mastery and control.
The drive to become thinner is actually secondary to concerns about control and/or fears relating to one's body.
The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating, often accompanied by other behaviors such as excessive exercising or the overuse of diet pills, diuretics, laxatives, and/or enemas in order to reduce body weight, often to a point close to starvation in order to feel a sense of control over his or her body.
This cycle becomes an obsession and, in this way, is similar to any type of addiction.

____________________________________________________________

I don't know what it feels like inside, but I guess it feels scary, and stressful all the time.
But the thing is, once you start, there is no "stopping point", because the drastically unhealthy weight loss achieved is gonna pile back on and feel 'undone', the further you go the harder it gets to stop, so chances are you won't...
It'll drag on til you're bone-thin with face sunken and looking like you smoke 10 packs a day.

Now tell me, how is that beautiful? :(

This year

2010-10-29T03:01:00.004+08:00

I'm ruining Fairytale for little kids.

I'm gonna be the Snow-not-so-White that killed the apple and cracked the mirror.
(and I also just realized the outfit's colour is flipped from the real one. KNN!!!)

Happy pre-Halloween people, hope it'll be a blasty blast...
Or a spooky spook!!! :D
Yehhh... I think I'll just shut up.

And also, Happy Birthday Mom,
you really are the best mother a Burmese girl can ask for. Heh.

we both have shiny happy fits of rage

2010-10-29T02:02:00.003+08:00

We're both way too childish, in our own ways, for two 20-year-olds.
I'll get sulky and whiny, and you'll get temperamental and mean.

But I do not need vindication, not even an apology,
I just need you to look at me and smile again before too long.
Could you?

I know we'll look back and laugh at ourselves with time to come...

But til then,
Curse you, yummy cheese sausage.

It's becoming obvious

2010-10-27T16:33:00.004+08:00

that she has an eating disorder.

The more she updates her statuses or tweets about food which she barely touches,
making it seem like food's the only thing on her mind, as if trying to cover up for what's really happening inside.

But this, this is not control, this is you, losing it.

...And there's nothing I can do about it.

2010-10-27T02:42:00.003+08:00

I'll close my eyes ; It's all the same.

I'll take every tear into my stride.
It doesn't make me stronger...

But I wish it did.

Lazy Sunday

2010-10-24T04:54:00.004+08:00

I SAID IT CAUSE I CAN~!

Lazy lazy lazzzy.

But it's a busy day ahead T_T

Baby I can feel your Halo

2010-10-22T05:29:00.012+08:00

Ok, lame, I know.

Finally locked my Twitter so that I'd start blogging diligently again. :/
I realized it was making me lazy to blog knowing people could just read off everything from Twitter itself, and H didnt really like it either.
So yeah, I'm gonna have to do something about the useless purple tweet boxes soon.

Quick updates :

Had a short getaway to Tioman with H not long ago for our 6th monthiversary :)
The seas, the skies, the colors, everything, was all so beautiful,
...but only almost as beautiful as you are to me.

(Click Picture to view album link on Facebook)

I'm quitting work at Udders Kilat soon, wanted to quit by end of this month,
but decided to stay a week or 2 longer because the shop is short on staff.
I'm really gonna miss it, the people, the routine, the shop itself, and especially the waffle machine which I feel weirdly attached to... Spent nearly 15 months there after all.

And then, love is entering army in... I don't know... too soon. :{
I'm afraid I won't be ready for it when the time comes, it could be worse than when he went overseas for a month.

________________________________________________________

I'm suddenly madly in love with Beyonce's Halo (nevermind the joke at the start).
I heard it so long ago, and only now does it feel like it makes any sense...
I guess the difference is that now, I've known, and I am in, love... the beautiful kind... the kind that sets you free and throws you into the fire and yet keep you safe from the flames.
Sure we have our regular small childish problems, but we always get through it....
And it's at the end of the day, that we're in each other arms, breathing beat to beat,
I'll secretly open my eyes to watch him sleep, and feel like I could and would do anything to protect this sleeping child, this lover, this best friend from the whole world.

I don't believe in God, I don't believe in Jesus,
but I believe in Love and Angels,
cause I believe in you, Howen Yeo.

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light.

Turn it inside out so I can see

2010-09-17T01:08:00.015+08:00

Out of random need to satisfy my craving for eggs, I'd been Googling all-day-breakfast restaurants for like an hour plus.
And then, I suddenly randomly felt a need to listen to music from the era before Gaga.
So I typed "Michelle Brunch" into Youtube's search...
Gettit gettit? Michelle BRUNCH! ROFLMAO.
Aaah, ok, it's not that funny, just wanted to share cause I was laughing pretty hard at myself...
:/ Self-amusement at its best.

When I catch my breath ; it's you I breathe.

Anyways, our lil plan to go Thailand mid of this month has been put off :{
Cause everything was too rushed and last minute, and also cause they found bombs in Bangkok and stuff, one inside a shopping mall even...
I don't know, I feel so frustrated... Why can't they their internal shit over and done with?!
Considering going HongKong instead... But argh, it's rather over the budget.

Gawwwd, someone please take me away from here. :{

My heart's on fire

2010-09-15T10:45:00.000+08:00

I'm falling from your lips.
You know you know we've got a good thing going on.

Finalfuckenly

2010-08-31T05:53:00.003+08:00

From counting down the days, I'm now counting down the hours.

8.45pm... Please come quick!

I wanna hug you sooooooooo tight!!!
That you deflate and become a tiny little Howen.
Then I'm gonna put you in one of those little jars that kids keep bugs in.
Then I'm gonna poke you everyday just for fun >: D
Just to see you run around in circles screaming gibberish that I cant comprehend cause your voice will be tiny too :D :D :D
Awwww~

So dont you dare run off so far away from me for so long again!

Wah wah, morning angst

2010-08-27T10:32:00.004+08:00

I dont know why, but I stayed up again, it's 10.30am now.

And I've just messed around with my eye-makeup.

After a tedious 30min (yes, I'm that slow),

I suddenly realized I'd just thinned out my fringe, cause the bangs were previously too thick,

and now it's even shorter than before, keeps falling back down even when I brush it to the side a 1000 times.

so whatever I just did cant even be seen.

Great. Just great.

>:/

Okay, I'm spose to go help Mommy out at her shop now...

But it's suddenly pouring pussies and bitches.

Wahlao eh, got thunder some more.

>:O

Come sweeten every afternoon

2010-08-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I like to re-read through all the texts between us from the first moment,

Just so I can fall in love with you all over again.

5 more days... 5 more days....

Pubic Affairs

2010-08-26T07:51:00.003+08:00

Just read up on the whole issue about LadyIronChef getting slammed

for apparently having asked for free food at this restaurant at Joo Chiat, Private Affairs.

I think it kinda stinks that some atas restaurant resorted to this kinda low-hand tactic

by spreading nasty rumors about someone high profiled like L.I.C. so that they could get publicity.

Don't really care much for details, but you could read it up on Xiaxue,

I dont like her that much, since I saw her during my miserable attachment with Mediacorp,

but her post was quite funny.

Screenshot epic-pwn parts in the post.

Okay lah, this is me, staying up til 8 in the morning, being extremely bored,

and talking about some random shit that doesn't concern me at all.

Out.

Why I'm An Awesome Friend

2010-08-25T20:20:00.004+08:00

Reason 1:
I was sposed to meet Shitty to break her fast at 8pm, but I canceled on her at 7.30pm.

but I had a good reason.

Reason 2:
Cause Fathao's going into army tomorrow, along with the rest of the fat people population,
So I'm gonna meet the guys for LAN at 9pm, but I know I'm gonna reach at 10pm earliest.

Reason 3:

Now, tell me, who wants to be my friend? :D

Flash Forward

2010-08-23T19:32:00.006+08:00

And we're taking on the world together♥

Xenia Kriisin ft K-Boyz - Creme de la Creme

Really cute song, but I couldn't find its mp3 link so this is its MV...kinda.
It's like this commercial for Vagabond shoes, and the girl is this super adorable Swedish model I keep Tumblring about.
Well, the both of them look sooo cool/cute as a couple!

Speaking of cute couplez,
I made another screenshot collage of Personal Preference again :D

They're so retardedly cute together :D

_______________________________________________________

Anyways, Baybeats' over, only caught Saturday night's though.
Cause Joboks helped me take over my work shift :}
Wanted to buy this indie pinoy band's, The Camerawalls, album... I thought they sounded really lovely...
But by the time Bri came outta the moshpit for King Lychee (this Hongkee HxC band with a Pakistani vocalist, so weird, i know, right?), we couldnt find the merch shops anymore.
Aiiiish... =.=

I'd also been playing Poker alot lately... So far, I'm on a losing streak, I need my lucky boy with me now now now :{

And I've been having this bad sore throat that makes me with up blood in my phlegm, trying really hard to cut down on the ciggies.
To make things worse, I've got ulcers on my bottom lip too, so ugly and painful T_T
I think it came together with the sore throat, prolly gonna fall ill...
Blah, I guess it's been an awful week so far, I'm even getting 2 warning letters at work from my supervisor, Essie :{ Cause my phone died and forgot to reply her...
Scared me shitlessz, I've never seen her mad at me before.

If only H was here, I'm sure he would've made everything feel better.

Honey and the Moon

2010-08-18T03:59:00.007+08:00

It's a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics.

_________________________________________________

H is gonna embark on his wonderful Eurotrip adventure tomorrow, which means I can't even see him online for the next 10 days :[
Anyways, H and I, as in me, have decided to go both Bangkok and Krabi, right after he's done with his TP test...
Both the shopping and the beach, and hopefully we can make it to their Half-Moon party too, since the days we're gonna be there prolly won't coincide with the Full-Moon party...
Aaaah I'm so exxxcited! :D

Hair update :
It's giving me horrible acne on my forehead!
There's one on my eyebrow which is kinda like hurting my eye. :{
I look like a kid now, I know cause the 7-11 people are suddenly checking my IC when I want to buy ciggies, and I got checked by police just now too. Zzz.
And it looks like shit cause I don't ever blow dry/style my hair, and that makes a hugeass difference!

Blow-dried :

Non blow-dried:

(So messy wtf! Can someone teach me how to go about blow-drying hair? CCB.)

Anyways, school's over and I don't really have any plans almost everyday now.
Well, I just went to catch SALT with Shoowee at Jurong Point earlier,
I still can't decide if Jolie was a Russian spy or American acting as Russian spy, but damn, she looked cool. :/

Right now, everything is turning blue.
And right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores, of freedom
Where no one lives.
Run away tonight.

And I wonder

2010-08-16T21:49:00.003+08:00

if I ever cross your mind...
For me, it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone
And I need you now.

I'd never thought I'd miss you this much,
I'd never known I'd miss you enough to cry.
But I do, suddenly it's finally hit me...
And it kills me to know it's only been 5 days cause it felt like forever already.
Can't believe there's 2 more weeks to go :(
I wonder if you feel the same way too...

Right now, I just wanna hear your voice and hug you.
The internet just doesn't cut it anymore...

What have you done to me?
Stupid H, come back :(

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

2010-08-15T20:16:00.003+08:00

I asked the straight hairdresser guy for shorter fringe and trimmed ends.

AND THEN
I went from
this

to
THIS

WADDAFWACK?!?!??!

Just when I thought I finally escaped the annual bang-catastrophe...
(All my friends would know what I mean)
Every fucken year, almost always in January/Feburary,
I would get really bored/stressed for one reason or another, or none at all,
and snip off my own hair and fuck it up until they turn to shitbangs.

And the funny thing is, right before I went to get my hair cut,
I was laughing at H cause he told me he'd just gotten a haircut and that it looks like a bob.
Yeah, I even made all the unnecessary Mushroom-head jokes...
...Now I'm one myself :{

Now when H comes back, we'll be a Mushroom-couple T_T
And become even more uncooler than we already are. -.-

And nothing else compares

2010-08-14T06:40:00.004+08:00

You are.

Took this while I was terribly bored on the bus in Taipei back to the airport
cause H was like snoozing beside me, and he sleeps 12 hours a day.
Been wanting to do this to the video long ago, but I was just too lazy.
I rikes zee waterpainty effect... still, it turned out pretty chapalang -.-
but I'm happy with myself :}

How I wish to be anywhere with you now babe,
Happy 4th ♥

Next stop, Freedom.

2010-08-12T03:23:00.004+08:00

Just woke up from nap at a stupid timing again, cause I'm hungry...
But I saw a roach in the kitchen :/

All the big days have just gone by in a flash.
Brian's birthday, mine, Udders' annual dinner,
plus today (technically yesterday) was the day of Final Presentation,
and also the day H's flown off to Taiwan again and to his awesome Eurotrip for 3 weeks :{

But Im sooooo jealous of that fartybugger, going to the 3 most epic and romantic places, Rome & Paris & Venice...
WADDAFWACK... VENICE!!!.
... LOL, actually, I don't know nuts about that place, but the name seems exotic and sounds like it's really...well...NICE :/... Ah, figures, doesnt it? -.-

Presentation started at 8.30am, so I just stayed up the night with H to complete all the last minute works
while he played Starcraft -.-
Was feeling pretty upset that both the presentation and his flight was in the morning...
Really really wanted to send him off T_T

Anyways I was like a living dead throughout the 9 hours of presentations,
I'd been keep myself up for 30 hours on 4 cups of coffee...
but at the end of it all, I've never felt so alive!
The rain today smelled like freedom... I could almost taste it!
Once I've handed everything up, I can leave NP for good... WOOHOO!!!

Wanted to catch a movie/dinner/supper with the bunch of losers I call 'friends', but I ended up falling asleep and waking up only now =.=

I can finally start going back to work at Kilat now, I miss my girls :}
Gonna use the time now to catch up with people and earn lotsa lotsa money at my 5bucks/hour rate before H gets back.
Then we'll see if we're gonna go to Bangkok or Krabi (hopefully the latter, but we gotta find more people to join us first!)

And we'll live like vampires again, having breakfast before going to bed.
Aww... I'm missing you already, bum.

The origin of "LOL"

2010-08-04T02:25:00.009+08:00

TROLOLO MUTHAFUCKERRRRS!!!

(I believe "LOL" might have originated from this song! HAHAHA)

Like watching Rick Roll in 10 mini-windows all at one go.

UBERPWNED!

My sister'd just started playing this tonight, and being the way she is, she did it like over and over again.

I found it damn annoying but it kinda caught up to me after she replayed it for like 13th time in a row.

Tried to spread the love by singing it to H on Skype...
But that boy jitao kup my call. WTF :{

My heart shattered in a gazillion pieces...
But I plucked all my emotional strength, picked myself up and did what was right.

- so I posted Trololo on his wall and sent him an audio MMS of Trololo.
And probably when he jailbreaks his iPhone, I'm gonna change the ringtone to it.
And and and, I'm gonna hide all his T-shirts and replace them with plain white tees, with either Trololo screenshots or lyrics printed on them.

Oh yeahhhhh~ :} H is gonna love me soooo much more! :DDD

Say what?

2010-08-03T16:47:00.002+08:00

Epic Fail.

Trial presentation tomorrow. Let's own this mother!

Gonna meet Big B and Veganick later, to make up for missing (and forgetting) Veganick's birthday.
It's so retarded how our birthdays are so close together. -.-

You are a shooting st✯r

2010-07-27T00:34:00.001+08:00

That's why you are my favorite ♥

"you so stupid, it's sexy!"

...bite your straws somemore?! hmmm???!

But
I love just who you are,
I aint gon try to change ya. :}

give all your secrets away

2010-07-26T13:25:00.004+08:00

10 Things I Hate About You is one of my favorite movies of all time,
and I've probably re-watched it 10 times already.

Heath Ledger was just wayyyyy too hawwwt in that movie!

And then Joseph Gordon-Levitt was like this cute lil' scrawny kid that acted alongside him.

And then suddenly, he went from this....

to...THIS.

Yeah. The same fucken magic that happened to Shia LaBeouf!
COME TO MOMMA! >: D *spasm*

Wayyyyy tooo hot, just like Heath Ledger.
But no, wait. It IS wayyyy too much like Heath Ledger, almost like he died and part of him went into Levitt, which is why they look like twins of a different era!!!!

Okay, it's sad that Heath Ledger died... but Fuckyeah!, the 'essence' of his hawtness remains!

So hot...WTF?!

Nothing pretty about 20

2010-07-26T11:01:00.002+08:00

In exactly 2 weeks from now, I'll be leaving the suffix "teen" out of my age forever and ever.

I dint realize it til' recently, time is so fucken fast.
It's a sad thought, though. Like I'm officially going to be an adult...
I really really dont wanna be :{

And I just dont feel too joyous about it, especially with the constant mental reminder hanging around the back of my head that my FYP's deadline around 9th August too, or something...
I'm not too sure :X

But anyways, after having almost non-exaggeratedly the worst birthday ever last year, I bet any sort of celebration, however minor, will feel lika blasty blast (if this sounds familiar to you, you're prolly a Dane Cook fan too).
Least for this 9th August, there's someone who actually loves and cares for me and capable of doing that without putting fingerprints on my face.

Hmmm.... :)))

In a way, the whole deprivation of 'normality' thing has made me so much more appreciative of every nice little things and gestures in love/life.
All the silver linings that would've usually gone unnoticed to others feels like gold to me.

Life IS good! Heh. :D

.........But it would be even better if I could get through school's firewall.
Cause it's Monday now, and I'm alone without my dumbassfriends in class, and I'm ferrreeking bored, and I cant cant cant access Zynga Poker!!!!
GRRRAHHHHH!!! Dammit!

the thing about

2010-07-20T05:10:00.005+08:00

staying up late and playing online Poker together.
- It never makes sense.

Okay, I really shouldn't be awake right now.
Not like I had much of any sleep, stayed up yesterday til 6.30 (morning) to rush out my Final Report's draft for submission.
Maybe I'm a vampire... or maybe I'm just too hardcore for sleep.
...Yup, that's probably it.

Can you hear what I hear?

2010-07-18T14:39:00.004+08:00

It's calling you, my dear.

Take me to my beach.

Tomorrow is the deadline for my Project's Final Report draft.
Fucken stressed out.

Been frying my brains out infront of my Macbook in H's room yesterday, til midnight when Big B and the rest of H's friends came over to play poker.
They had it going til like 4 in the morning. And Bri only won 3bucks overall. -.-
We got to sleep at 6.30am, after coming back from close-to-breakfast-supper.

I have to pass this semester. I just have to.
H and I already made plans to go Thailand together in September after he gets back from his family Eurotrip thingy in August after my birthday.
Won't be seeing him for more than 2 week. :{{{ I've grown a triple-chin of sadness.

Can't decide if we wanna go Bangkok or Krabi...
Shopping seems fucking exciting, but the thought of awesome beaches is almost orgasmic.

And it's in one of Krabi's beaches that the movie "The Beach" (young Leonardo DiCaprio *heart melts*) was filmed.
I remember my hair stood when I first saw that movie... Partly because DiCaprio was soooo hot, but mainly because the beach scenes were soooooooo beautiful.

Ok, enough distraction. Gotta get back to my report.

3rd♥

2010-07-14T10:27:00.003+08:00

I love you with all my fart and sole! :D:D:D:D:D:D

I really liked this line from Twilight (I know it makes me eew, shut up).
There were no ready-made screenshots of it on the net, so I DIYed a chapalang one out :/

It's getting hard to be

2010-07-09T11:12:00.002+08:00

someone.
But it all works out.
- It doesn't matter much to me.

10 more days till submission of Final Report.
I don't know how I'm gonna make it through... But somehow, do let me.

Nothing is real. And nothing to get hung about.

On the 4th day of July

2010-07-04T13:27:00.001+08:00

Deep in Summer's eye.
Naked like the truth should always be.

♥

So, speak your mind.

If you're gonna fall in love

2010-06-29T18:13:00.003+08:00

You've got to fall heels over head,
or there would be no point in falling at all.

<3

Autotuned FIFA ...say what?

2010-06-29T05:44:00.005+08:00

Watched Brazil VS Chile with H, Big B, Fathao and Veganick.
First time I ever bet on soccer, did win a lil' bit in the end.

I know nuts about soccer, I don't even know how the Torres dude that most girls are mad about looks like -.-
In fact I wouldn't care one bit if not for the bet. LOL.
But more than that, I think it was just fun hanging out with ex-Reckless Landing and H together.
Though H comes from the Land of the Northside Losers called, and thus had to travel quite the journey to Our Holy \/\/estside.

Well, they did keep making fun of me throughout the whole time, for having pronounced "Chile" as "Ch-isle" =.=
But seriously... "Chilli"?!!?!??! ...Waddafwak.
Now, tell me honestly, yeah do the whole cross-your-heart-hope-to-die-from-severe-wedgie all that... - Which sounds more retarded? -.-
And by the way, Nick's mustache is like so fucken long now that it's curling at the end! And he's not even 18 yet!
Hao said he looks like the Pringles dude. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHH!!!

And and and I got Autotuned on Bri's iPhone, damn weird...
I don't even know why he uploaded it onto the app site, cause everyone else's uploads are like all real music, or attempts at it.
Mine is... just noise. Like literally, random noise.
I swear it makes me more annoying than I already am by like tenfold... Yes, oh the horror.
So, here's an early Halloween gift for you guys >: D
CLICK (only) IF YOU DARE,
and also, if you live in the North , or don't know Kungfu.

_________________________________________________________

Okay, I'm gon sleep now.
Gotta drag my ass to school by 1pm tomorrow, though it starts at 9am, cause it's well way past 6am now, and I'm not in the mood to be zombified.

Ja!

"When someone's in love with you

2010-06-26T04:35:00.005+08:00

Then, you're a 10."
"My God. Are you Hannah Montana or something?"

Funny movie, not sure about the acting though...
But awesome dialogues! HAHAHAH

And baby, you're a keeper too :}
But I wish you'd feed me more often! T_T
*tummy growls as H snores away in the background*

Fearless

2010-06-25T03:06:00.001+08:00

Trying out my newly acquired kungfu moves on H after watching Karate Kid.

Ok. I guess I need to train harder.

_______________________________________________________

I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

_______________________________________________________

Oh yeah...
I just redyed my hair at the salon, and the color turned out lighter than I wanted it to be. :{
Should have listen to little Ally & gone for dark brown.
Gonna redye after 2 weeks if the color doesn't tone down!

M : "Aaah. I hate my hair!"
H : "It's not that bad, baby."
M : "My fringe is the same color as my face!"
H : "Huh... What fringe?"

What an asshole! Hahaha, ♥ to the ultimate max though :)))

Ok, I'm gonna go train my kungfu now. Bye.

Back to the ol' Spot

2010-06-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

Mommy's sorry Mommy ever thought about replacing you. :{
*big hugzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzx*

say what?

2010-06-11T03:04:00.005+08:00

I have kinda moved to
aernidius.tumblr.com

But it's not all perfect, and I'm so used to blogspot.
I'll use the tumblr till I get annoyed or something.

Spinning on that dizzy edge

2010-05-31T18:23:00.003+08:00

It's been forever since I've heard this song...
But it IS the big black fonts that's been on my blog for years, together with the paper rose, after all.
Let's revive the lovin' :D
...even though it's not Friday :/
And that I should really be doing my report, which is due tomorrow, now instead of this.

"Show me, show me, show me
How you do that trick,
The one that makes me scream"
She said
"The one that makes me laugh"
She said
And threw her arms around my neck

"Show me how you do it
And I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?"
She said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream...
You're just like a dream.

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone, alone
Above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven ♥

Boys

2010-05-31T17:42:00.006+08:00

with baby faces in their teens look ~~like shit~~ not so... Oomph! anymore, by the time they hit their prime years.

Okay maybe not Leonardo, cause since I was a kid, I'd used believe he was the hottest thing to ever be born on Earth. That faith instilled in me from The Beach and Titanic just won't let me disregard him that way.

But then, guys with the rugged-older-man look since young,
only seem to get HOTTER?!?!

Boys... so very confusing :/

One day

2010-05-31T14:02:00.001+08:00

I will be perfect.

One day

2010-05-31T14:01:00.002+08:00

I will be perfect.

One day

2010-05-31T14:01:00.001+08:00

I will be perfect.

I Like That.

2010-05-26T14:21:00.002+08:00

I ♥ Your Pocket Rocket.
We Live to Shock It Shock It.

F.T.S

2010-05-26T11:18:00.005+08:00

My ex-classmate' graduation is tomorrow... and
I want to be, be in that numberrr~!!! >: o

That's it. I am going to skip class, steal's someone's gown and pretend to graduate.

___________________________________________________________

I have been spending the past few days trying to bypass my school's firewall so I could play WoW.
A total of 10 ferikking hours just trying to find hackwares.
I got so close - Just not close enough.
Arrrrgh. FuckThisShit.

__________________________________________________________

I've realized it's hard to blog about updates in daily life and stuff, it's just so much of a drag to do it. And then I've realized I could put twitter in my blog.
And so I did.
But as you can see (at the moment), it's refusing to load.
:/ How ah?

And I'm thinking about getting tumblr, but it's like mostly picture-blogging and reblogging other people's thoughts and opinions...
Fun meh?
Okay lah... quite.

__________________________________________________________

H started work on Monday. Yay him.
*coochie coochie*
Who's the big boy now, who's the big boy now? - Yes you are~!
Mommy's soooo proud of you, baby :D
For even managing to squeeze your lazy ass out of the door to work in the morning.
I know it's been a tough month for you, but you'll pull through, tuffguy :)

And then, when you get your pay, you can buy all those rubbish you wanted.
Even the polaroid camera! (HAHAHAHAH!!!)
Okok, don't make fun of you.

________________________________________________________

FuckYeahPinkSneakers

FuckYeahTuffGuy

2010-05-24T11:43:00.003+08:00

I fight with words not because they're all I have,
but because they're more than enough.
If not, I'd be putting holes through your faces to make you understand.

PictureTalks

2010-05-22T02:45:00.004+08:00

It's gonna be a messy post. Almost as messy as my bed.

Today I nearly spasmed and died from sadness, cause I'd thought I'd lost my wallet.
I kinda cried (a teeny weeny bit) at work.
Then I came home, and there it was, I'd just forgotten to take it out in the first place.
Smart. Fucken smart.
:/

I've been missing school, I've been cooped up in Yeo's room playing WoW on private server.
1. It's for FREE~! (who wanna play too, tell me k.)
2. It levels 20 times faster.
Level 80 already, but my gear like a bit shit still leh. A bit only.
My boyfriend stole my gamename "Aernidius",
(and named 2 other characters "Anusdust" and "Analdust" (cause apparently that's what my gamename sounds like).
Aww, how matured/creative/original, I know right?! *rolls eyes* :/ )

So I had to think of something new..."Allureius", close enough, but doesn't feel quite right.
Sigh :{ Damn you, Yeo~!

Hee, I lublublublublublublublub us ♥

I'm playing as Alliance now (wtf right?) cause of this gay bugger.

He bought colorful cigarettes that cost twice of the normal ones, and tastes like newspaper.
Need I say more?

Yeah, I've finally gotten about uploading pictures from my camera.
Hundreds and hundreds of them, there still are 200 pictures missing because my memory card is corrupted.

This is Shitty, she is making LJB (lan jiao bin) face, and that's me with my permanently bad hair days.
And yes, we're wearing utterly childish Domokun BFF shirts :D
Dont judge. >:o
Shitty and the rest are graduating on 27th... So happy and jealouzzz at the same time!
Nehmind! A few more months to go!...BANZAI~!

I went for Steve Aoki's a few weeks ago. Didn't bring camera so I'm ripping this off other people's facebook.
Had to force-drag Yeo along, he said "I dont like electro."
But everyone know it's all a matter of time - R&B clubs are shit, I swear.
Messiah and the girls went too, but it was too fucken messy inside, so we lost each other cause the girls sold their souls to the Jesus of RnB.

Best Buddeh Big B at the back looking very very stoned, what's new.

What's new would be the ink on Nick.

He just keeps adding more and more.
I think the chapalang jelly lens does come up with pretty neat photos.

Gaybestfriend is in Australia now, I hope he comes back in one piece.
Come back, then enlist Pes. A (wtf) in June, and come back out again in one piece.

Love-soldiers

2010-05-04T15:28:00.001+08:00

Do you need a dozen roses?
Would you like a box of chocolate?
Is it really such a deep cut
That I have to come and stitch it up?
Yeah I get a little crazy with the razor blades
Go on and call your Momma if you need a band aid
But everything worth it hurts a little bit
You dont wanna run away
And I wont let you anyway.

Yet again

2010-05-02T07:37:00.002+08:00

I've have stayed up past sunrise and impulsively bought things online again.
But at least this time it's not too random items like magic wand and stones.

I swear that
I...will...be...the...death...of...me.

I should have just forced myself to go for a morning jog instead since I didnt go to sleep.

The night before, I'd walked home all the way from my workplace at Lorong Kilat.
Crazy, I know.
But I'd stepped on a weighing machine in school, and I was and still am now scared shitless.

Everyone around me seems to be getting skinnier and skinnier...
Even my sister who used to be so pudgy, and I have no idea how they're doing it...
But I do know it's not exercise or something healthy, cause they are just getting thin and bony-looking without a defined shape.
I guess you just gotta stop eating and skip meals or summat?

Cause Skinny is the new Slim.
Which means, now, I am the new Fat.

But but but, I just can't seem to NOT eat.
I always get SO hungry SO often. :(
And I read that it's bad for your metabolism rate, so if I do follow that path, every small bite I take in the future will become a binge.
Having a sweet tooth and hating veggie doesn't help much either.
And drinking a can or 2 of beer everytime I hang out with Brian and Nick definitely doesn't much too.

I guess what I really need is someone to religiously force themselves to the gym with me, and float around with in a swimming pool cause I can't swim.
Most probably a fellow being from planet New-Fat.

and dammit, where the fuck did my magic wand go ?!?!?!? >:/

So if you're crazy,

2010-04-29T05:22:00.006+08:00

I don't care,
You amaze me.

Well it's a big big city and it's always the same
Can never be too pretty tell me your name
Is it out of line if I was to be bold and say "Would you be mine?"

Because I may be a beggar and you may be the queen
I know I may be on a downer i'm still ready to dream
Though it's 3 o'clock the time is just the time it takes for you to talk

So if you're lonely why'd you say you're not lonely
Oh you're a silly girl, I know I heard it so
It's just like you to come and go
And know me no you don't even know me
You're so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you's just irresistible

Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out
And I must confess, my heart's in broken pieces
And my head's a mess
And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong
And it's you, woo hoo
That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if you're crazy I don't care you amaze me
but you're a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk
I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry
And only, a girl like you could be lonely
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same
A boy like me's just irresistible

Hello Awesome-Talking-Voice.
(inside joke)

I love how you are so slow in reacting, only to laugh and cuss at me.
Cause strangely enough, that's how I know you're in love with me too.

___________________________________________________________

HAROW I AM BACK!!!
I HAD VERY VERY MUCH MISSED EVERYONE, I HOPE I HAVE ENOUGH A-LIL'-SOMETHINGS FOR EVERYBODY.
AND I AM VERY VERY MUCH AFRAID OF GETTING ON A WEIGHING SCALE!
and I am very very much missing Howen Yeo already.
Will have pictures up soon... Soon.

It is close to 6am now... I haven't slept, and I dont know if I should go for school thats starting at 9am.
Well, I should, actually. I have missed 2 weeks of school already.
But Choowee won't be coming for project today, and I'm pisshitfuck afraid of being alone :/

I wish my friends had kept their asses from dropping outta school.
Dammit. :(

On an ending note,
I just started watching an old drama series Hana Yori Dango.
I got damn amused at this one scene, fucking most random words in a sentence!
(no, not literally with the punctuations.)

I've got

2010-04-11T17:01:00.004+08:00

another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new.

____________________________________________________________

I was watching MTV the other day, for a change, instead of Nickelodeon and Disney :x
And they were showing Foo Fighters' concert, and like 2hours later, a replay of it -.-
But this song "Best of You" is really nice, I can't believe I've never heard it before til H was playing it.

H missed his flight to Taiwan, and nearly missed it again a 2nd time, but he managed to get his ass on the plane in the end...
I'm flying over in 2 days time... I'm damn eggcited!!! and nervous, and scared...
Meeting his folks and all... Oh, Goddess bless me!

School's damn boring by the way, fucking 3D animation better magically self-create itself by the end of 4months.

Gotta go work soon, I might be late...
Haha, who am I kidding, I AM going to be late.

I really gotta stop eating ice-cream at work... I seriously wanna lose weight.
It's getting to me, like mentally. In the past, I would have never thought that it would.
Now, I'm scared, it's getting the best of me. :(

OH! Here's a video I wanna share before I go.

Fucken cute and funny lah CB! The way the parents tried to coax the little boy, Losiah, fucking ridiculous.
"You can be a single lady if you want, ok?"
And it's such a beautiful looking family, adopted kids of different races, the parents themselves are of different colours too. AWW :)

And another epic chat screenshot!

kk, tata world.

I don't

2010-04-11T01:48:00.001+08:00

care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.

One day, I'll be perfect.

The writing's on the wall

2010-04-03T16:27:00.007+08:00

With all due respect, Kevin.
We were and are still friends because I'm awesome, and you're shit.
No one is trying to take anyone away, stop being such an insecure 10 year old prick.
If you really wanna be anal about it though, you could try controlling them like you did me.
See if that works for everyone, eh kid?

And I hope you would return my $350, even if not all at one go, then bit by bit.
I have NO idea why you would resort to using uncouth personal attacks just because I need it back...
No wait, actually I do, it's cause you are you.
Look, it doesn't mean that I don't wanna be friends or that I don't care about you just because I'm reminding you of your debt, you know you were like a best friend to me for the past year plus.
And isn't it better to completely clear this kinda things from the past, so you really have to stop this behavior. :/ Seriously.

And if you meant half of it at all when you said "Let's be friends."
Then I hope you would stop trying pick a fight with me, I'm trying my best to be nice here...
You, are not making it any easier.
And oh yeah, please do not insult him like that anymore, that's why I stopped replying, you are obviously testing my limits. :/
Plus you're making yourself look like a joke by being so full of yourself.
It's basic respect and consideration for others, that you have absolutely none of.
Cause honestly, as much I, and everyone else, could say shit about her. We don't.
Yeah, don't cross the line. _|_

I really don't wanna make such entries, so stop forcing me into being an angry May Mon.
>: (
____________________________________________________________

Booked flight for the 13th, haven't gotten about telling Mommy yet.
Hope my visa works out fine...
I've used up all my pay now, I just got them on Tuesday... Scary, I know.
HOW???? Totally broke!!! :{
I have absolutely no luck when it comes to money, I get bullied by 14 year old girls and 20 year old boys. It's sad, really.

I've start working out again, like serious hardcore exercising, cause I've hit a physical all time low now... :{
Gotta stop using my spine and ankles as excuses for myself to be such a slob! :x
BANZAI~!!! to the start of being a fit and healthy May Mon again!!! >: O
(that's my battle-cry face)

Ok, gonna go to work now... Stupid Sarah Sim is gone :{
Means I have to take the bus down 4 stops just to punch her buttocks.
Don't disappear on me, bitch... I don't let you anyways >: )

Meeting H afterwards for supper, he is the ultimate slob! He's slept for like 14 hours out of the past 24... One day, he's just gonna explode into many thousands little Howens from oversleeping. I'm sure of it.
And and and, I just helped him DIY highlight his hair a few days ago...
I'm soooo proud of myself :D Lika masterpiece only :))))

Hmmm, hopefully we can meet Kenneth and Clyde for movie too if the timing works out!

Off I go now, whoop whoop!

You are

2010-03-26T06:15:00.008+08:00

the only exception.

And I'm on my way to believing again.
♡

______________________________________________________

I've been sleeping AFTER breakfast everyday for the past 2 week or so.
I am going to die early I swear.
I need sunlight~ Zzzzz.

And what do I do when random people randomly fucken start talking like me? :/
It makes me wanna.... just.... just.... sit in front of the TV and watch Powerpuff Girls,
cause they're awwwsome and I'm cool like that.

But if this is making you feel any better, then.... Hmmm.
I don't know. I really don't.

WeIsVampires GRRRRAAH!!!

2010-03-21T11:13:00.003+08:00

First of all I want to wish 3 people, respectively in order of the date they were born on.

19th - MESSIAH (IS REALLY A)GAYYY~!
20th - WONG ~~LEEHOM~~ LI(FAT)HAO!
21st - TINY DINNY BOY

Hope you guys have/had an awwwsome time :)
I like how 3 important people in my life have their birthdays consecutively,
so I can wish all of them in a little (chapalang) chunk of post
(which is also filled with my most sincerest and earnest love and well wishes.)
_____________________________________________________

H and I have been living like total nocturnal creatures, sleeping after breakfast, and waking up for dinner, then roaming around aimlessly trying to find things to do.

Usually we end up being lazy slobs gobbling down an ice cream tub over a movie or 2 or 3 from the computer.
But it's cosy. I like cosy :)

Friday night we played poker with his friends, the poker chips he got comes in fucking handy, and it's just cool to use chips.
Well it has to be, after all, he had prioritized a case full of chips over a essential pair of new slippers to replace the dying one.
His friends are fucking insane! They would eat 20 mentos, get sugar rush and draw on his wall and mess up the place while he is sleeping.

Saturday night, Hao's birthday night, we all went to the top of Jurong Hill...
and played poker again there -.-, and instead of money, they bet with push-ups.
It was fwaaacking funny WTF!!
Yuan Zhang did like a 106 push-ups at one go, and still rode his bicycle all over westside, and back to Jurong East... Overly-fit bastard!
H made the mistake of following Teckwin's car to lead the way instead of Hao's van.
And the traffic police made the mistake of ever having given Teckwin a license in the first place!

I've been trigger happy and snapping away non-stop with my new awesome (but wrong shade of pink) Canon Ixus.
Shall dump them all into Facebook if I'm too lazy to fit the pictures in the blogpost!
It's been a longgg time since I last blogged like this, I think my life had been too sad or boring before then.
Joke joke! I've just been too lazy and busy (or just lazy -.-).

Oh, speaking of busy... I have 5 days of work this week! WTF.
I don't know what came over me to have accepted morning shifts on Saturday and Sunday...
I am soooo gonna die T_T!!!
11am to 6pm is the shift period, and 11am to 6pm also happens to be my usual bedtime.
GG NOOB.

And as if to stress me out more, Mommy nearly wanted me to go back to Burma for 2 days this week to run errands for her... ALONE.
Thank you AllahBuddhaJesus for making her change her mind... Seriously.

But I took chance of this opportunity to bring up going overseas alone,
She seemed really against me going to Bangkok... So I pushed my luck and asked how she felt about me going to Taiwan.
She said as it depends on whether I'm going with people who are familiar with the place and stuff.
Im planning to go there with H and his friends... and H practically lived there before...
I am soooo fucking thrilled AAAAAHHHH!!!
Just the whole going overseas without parental and teacher guidance deal, and with H :)
And the idea of being THAT much closer to Ethan Ruan Jing Tian... WAHLAO EH! Hot ah!

Okay, I'm gonna go sleep and dream up a plan to persuade Mommy completely.
And I've got work at 6pm! Fucken hell... 4 to 5 hours of sleep left.
K.Go!

:)

2010-03-18T06:19:00.009+08:00

finally

2010-03-17T23:55:00.001+08:00

Breathe, I can't.

But I have to.

Going in for the kill

2010-03-10T04:42:00.002+08:00

I love my family and friends.

I don't want to fuck them.

But I don't worship them either.

Double check. That should be easy enough to understand.

Oh, yeah... Paramore was awwwwsome by the way :D
I want to go more concerts now.
I wish I were 350bucks richer :/

Hmmmm....

Little prince,

2010-03-06T04:49:00.004+08:00

I [box] you

2010-03-05T05:37:00.004+08:00

On my 2nd episode of Gossip Girl now at 5.30 in the morning after getting psycho-ed by Evon into it.

Then our conversation turned retarded when everything I typed suddenly came out as random squarish boxes.

Ok... Gonna sleep soon.
Working at Novena tomorrow night... BRRRRR :(
I kinda lost my voice, and if I don't get it back by 6pm, I'm as good as dead.
Then think I'm going night cycling after work...
Hopefully I master cycling, or we'll be stuck in the same 1 metre square area the whole night :/
Okay lah... Not so bad...................... 5m sq.

Happy Belated Birthday Chan Joonwei!
Hope you had an awesome time! And don't worry, I'll wait til Shitty gives you up!
Even if it takes forever and ever and ever and ever and ever~
XOXO x 129346128468123543 times.

I don't

2010-03-05T00:07:00.002+08:00

care if it hurts.
I wanna have control.

cause you keep running away, i can't keep running to you.

I want

2010-03-02T13:38:00.002+08:00

someone to love me.
for who I am.

Ignore the stupid random flashes of Jonas' pictures...
Well, he does look like such a darling though, eh~

The Slut Hypothesis

2010-02-18T15:03:00.003+08:00

Wait for it. Wait for it.

I'm so lazy now.
__________________________________________________

Finalfuckingly, I have decided to continue...

But but, this is really a bad time to be blogging!
Cause I have a paper at 9am later, and it's 2.30am now... Trying to study...
Trying...
Trying...

Then I keep thinking unicorns out of nowhere.

And thinking of unicorns leads to thinking of Akon...
(dont worry, i dont understand how my mind works too)

I hate Akon with a passion... or his songs anyways.
Yes, they are catchy... but the lyrics... are so doubleAfucken annoying...
how it portrays someone thinking immensely...with his penis.
A manslut at best.

SEXY BITCH
"I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful"

"Damn girl, you's a sexy bitch"

.........like...seriously?
This is all the Respecting you can come up with?!?!

RIGHT NOW
"I wanna make love right now now nao
I wanna make up right now now nao
Wish we never broke up right now now nao"

........Maybe it's just me, or is proposing that he is horny one of the WORST ways to get back the girl?
No girl is gonna go "Aww you poor darling" to that shit.

And this is not an Akon song, but I just wanna point it out anyways.

STARSTRUCK

"I think I should know how
to make love to something innocent
without leaving my fingerprints out
Now, L-O-V-E is just another word I never learnt to pronounce."

That is self-contradiction right there!
Darling you cant be saying "make love" without "L-O-V-E" in it...

I don't know...I just get so anal about these kinda things -.-
But I like the song... So, blaaaaahhhh!